I'm a secret secret lemonade drinker don't watch adverts 'cos I'm a freethinker don't need your hook or your line or your sinker nothing makes me bite campaigns fly out your marketing sphincter at the speed of light John Lewis Christmas: a song that you know, with a different arrangement: now pared-down and slow plays as you suffer their cloying tableau. Shed a culpable tear; buy a gift for your Nan and don’t darken her door ’til this time next year. Remember, remember, it’s half-past November! Adamant leaves grip the treetops! Ah, but there's parking for free at that new shopping centre. Check the small detail: park up, walk up, pay up, surrender – whatever they retail. In this digital age I need online protection to filter iTunes through my broadband connection, where a schmaltzy ‘John Lewis’ track by One Direction is now number one. Ten minutes later I’ve bought their collection – what have I done? I’m a secret secret commercial consumer. I love shopping really but find it peculiar that eight from ten cats still shout ‘Hallelujah!’ when Black Friday comes. ‘This TV’s a bargain!’ they pass on the rumour like mice after crumbs. I'm a secret secret lemonade drinker don't watch adverts 'cos I'm a freethinker don't need your hook or your line or your sinker nothing makes me bite campaigns fly out your marketing sphincter at the speed of light